Tourists Make Me Laugh No Matter Where I live

I stumbled upon some commentary from my home state. It made me laugh. I hate on everywhere, everything and everyone so if you don’t like it, CAN IT.


"I went up to Colorado for a ski vacation with my 6 noisy children and morbidly large wife (we don’t say the "fat" or "obese" swears in our house). People constantly laughed at us for skiing in jeans and football jackets. We decided they must be the snotty ski resort crowd, so we went up to the national parks and I asked a ranger when the elk turn into moose — and get this — he laughed at me! NOT EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT TIME OF YEAR ELK TURN INTO MOOSE MR. COLORADO SNOB. Well anyway we packed our bags and went straight home to a comforting 107F." <— In the winter? Not so much, Texan dipshit.

I’ve noticed from Florida to Colorado, that the tourists in Florida can’t really mess it up that much for themselves. They wear their hideous hawaiian shirts, try to tan their blindingly white bodies, and have a cute little umbrella drink; there’s not much wrong you can do there. But when it comes to the tourists that come to Colorado, that’s where the madness unspirals. These people hog the ski slopes, cause accidents on the ice, try to dress like cowboys, and ask absurd questions about nature like the scenario above. 

Incompetent Bogans!!

Ok. I wait in line FOR-FUCKING-EVER at the DMV. 3 hours of wasted time and space overall. To find out that they do not take debit cards and neglect to put a sign on the door stating such. AND THENNNNN—-wait and wait after going to 2 broken ATMS, then wait and wait. Two people have had temper tantrums while I am waiting there the last two hours. That was amusing. At least there weren’t too many foreigners and tards there at the time. It was somewhat normal. If you can call anything here normal.

FINALLY!!! it’s 11:40 a.m. and it’s my god damn turn. Great I get my new license. Can my car insurance go down now??? I can become a real resident now?? Fan fucking tastic.

I am heading to work. What a terrible picture on the thing. I do not want to look at it. So I’m waiting in line for lunch, look down, to find out that I am now a man. ON THE LICENSE THAT IS YOU FUCKING PERVERT!!! 

Eat a shitty dick, Broward County DMV! 

I am going to leave it too. Because then if I do something wrong, it WASN’T ME BITCH!!!!!!!!!!

Those Hoes…

You know what really grinds my fucking gears?? Why is it that any chick I am ever friends with acts a hoe!??? Every time we go out (this is ANYWHERE I HAVE LIVED)… they dress like a skank and hustle for drinks? Do you really like the attention of some old perverted trout? Do whatever you want—I don’t care!! But leave me out of it!! They always drag me down with them! I AM NOT INTERESTED!!!!!!

I would MUCH RATHER sit in my corner and talk with friends of even just have the company of YOU (yes, I came to the bar WITH YOU) or even the company of entertainment on my iPhone, and be left alone, than skeez it up to get free drinks and have the company of some STD infested pervert loser asshole for the extent of the free drinks. Most times I pay for my own alcohol. I make an alright living and don’t need to act like a skank to save a few dollars. Let me just add that yes, sometimes I will accept a free drink. I will have a casual conversation. But I will not lead them on and act interested WHEN I’M NOT. But of course YOU will. ALL NIGHT LONG. Because YOU’S A HOE!!!! I will politely speak to them, say thank you for the drink, and be on my way. I don’t accept more and more to the point of obliteration in which (I, of course, have to become YOUR babysitter). 

Do these trouts ever realize that when their money stops flowing—so does the company! Thanks to me, the cockblock, who would like to get home without your puke in the car. And your douchebag RANDOM BARFLY BURNING CIGARETTE HOLES INTO MY APOLSTERY. So once I get them to leave, the douchebag, and sometimes you, if you are still coherent enough to remember anything, are SOOOOO astonished. That’s because you are hitting on shallow ass HOES. You get what you paid for. Most times, as well, these people I affiliate with (REASON UNKNOWN), already have boyfriends. Go figure, right? And no they are not going home with you because I’m not letting them. *BUT* if they do, I —AS ALWAYS— will have to pick your ass up in the morning and have to hear all about what a terrible loser asshole he was. Really? He never called? Awww, NO SHIT!!!! But in most cases, I win over the douche. 

On that note, when I may or may not accept a free drink, either way, YES I AM GOING HOME ALONE, and I have made peace with that. I don’t want your disgusting manwhoring ass to know where I live anyways, and I certainly don’t want to be stuck at your house! Retards! To the people who do that on a regular basis, have fun with that. It’s time to CUT OUT THE CANCER. This might have been fun to get free drinks and mingle in college, but approaching the late 20’s, it’s getting a bit sad. I enjoy my own company much more than those perverse losers who have to pay to have company at the bars. Listen hoes, if you are really interested in someone, have some class. Say you will have lunch with them sometime. BUT NO. IT’S ALWAYS NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW! Because you are a drunk self centered skank sometimes. All times. I still love you but god damn it you are annoying, and I am tired of saving you from being molested from these fucking assholes and players who need “Just For Men.” 

Jesus, why don’t these loser dudes just rent a porno? It’s a hell of a lot cheaper.

If you can’t stand cussing…

Then fuck you. It is just a word. Shut your beef curtains!! 

























It’s too bad I can’t make sure those are your kid’s first words. Because if you complain again, I will write a kid’s book featuring the above mentioned words, and then some. With special graphics, too. And if you’re not a twat-swatting little punanny, feel free to post additional ideas to some of these below in the comment section.

Cheetos Anyone?

Ok. Be as loud as you want. As rude as you want. As late or unattentive as you want. But the minute you start getting your CHEETO fucking fingerprints on my fucking paperwork, you are in trouble. There is nothing more VILE and disgusting than having to see or touch your leftover fupafest on my god damn documents!!!! And when you spill coffee on the papers and don’t reprint them, GET THE FUCK OUT. This is your desk. Your workstation. It is not your couch ridden with ants where you can just let yourself go and be a disgusting pig. 

It was only cool when Peter in Office Space ate cheetos after he destroyed his cubicle and was playing Tetris with his feet up on the desk. But this is real life. And yes I see you over there playing solitaire on the computer. That is fine. WASH your damn hands after you eat or at least REPRINT the shit FOR FUCK SAKE.


Do you ever notice when hobos beg for money, they never leave? They’re never like, “oh sweet, now I have enough to [whatever they were raising money for].” And then go put gas in their car. Or buy a bus ticket or get a burger. BUT NO. They sit there on their ass because they just want MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE!!!!!!!!!! If someone gave them a $20 bill, they still are not satisfied. If they don’t have to do Jack shit, might as well keep doing it and get paid, right?? FUCK THAT. Stop giving bums money because that is truly what is keeping their asses on the streets. If they weren’t making an average American’s salary by sitting on their ass and the money stopped coming in, they would stop. So stop doing that!! Right now.

I’ve always wanted to ask one of those stinky gnarly motherfuckers where the hell they found that sharpie.

Fuck American Airlines!

Flying on airlines is like taking the damn bus. This concept is so irritating and it SUCKS. I’m going to make myself one of those 1920’s airplanes myself because god knows I won’t get my sitcom running and get my private jet anytime soon. 

You have to pay for peanuts now? Bunch of stingy fucks! Wow a complementary soda? That’s just so nobody has a dehydration and sues you. I had such a bad flight, I wanted to be that guy who said FUCK YOU on the intercom then went down the blow-up slide and peaced out. Was that American Airlines? Well it should have been. I’m surprised they don’t have a quarter slot for you to have to flush the toilet. Who the fuck would pay a dollar for the headphones to watch their shitty movie? It’s bad enough seeing stupid Julia Robert’s horse face on basic cable, no less to have to pay for it on a torturous flight from hell with screaming asshole kid next to me. It’s cool, have a temper tantrum. I’m going to, too. The screaming kid [four-hours-straight-through-the-ENTIRE-FLIGHT screaming, mind you,] is just trying to say that American Airlines sucks a giant one.


I get a hemmeriod when I have to listen to some computerized crap “singer” to a shit beat that I could do better myself on rockgarage on my computer. I CAN make a better one myself. All you need is one stupid thought for a chorus. “I like a fupa dupa bupa boom boom, mon.” Add some gay beat and techno synthesizer and I will be a top 20 knockoff homojammer too.

What does “asinine” mean?

This is the most ASININE message I have ever received from a “professor” or teacher of any sort, ever since I got a frowny faced sticker for the day for being bad in kindergarten.

"Hi Allison,

In reviewing your participation responses, I noted a recent post that used the word “assanine”. As a friendly reminder, please be sure to refrain from using profanity in the classroom as this may offend others. In addition, it is a violation of the student code of conduct. Although I do not believe you had any ill intentions with this post, it is my responsibility to remind you of the class rules. If you have any questions or concerns, please let me know.

Thank you!”

Lets see what Merriam Webster thinks. HOW IRONIC! The Merriam-Webster puts an ad FOR MY SCHOOL into the definition. EVEN BETTER!


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Main Entry: as·i·nine 
Pronunciation: \ˈa-sə-ˌnīn\
Function: adjective
Etymology: Latin asininus, from asinus ass
Date: 15th century
1 : extremely or utterly foolish 
2 : of, relating to, or resembling an ass
synonyms see simple
— as·i·nine·ly adverb
— as·i·nin·i·ty \ˌa-sə-ˈni-nə-tē\ noun

I never realized being extremely or utterly foolish could be so offensive. The thing that offended me most is the fact that theteacher didn’t even spell the word right when referencing my post. I certainly didn’t spell it wrong in an official public comment for participation points. Come on now. Turn your spell check on. That’s in violation of APA formatting standards, woman!!!!!